Compassion Fatigue Solutions

Before introducing my posts, I must share with you this photo that was taken at my latest workshop presentation. The agency rented a gorgeous bowling alley (totally redone retro-style) and although I had to compete with the pinball machine noises once in a while, it was good fun. I couldn't resist asking to have my photo taken inside the Airstream trailer that has been converted into a bar. I assure you, I do not have a boring job!

This week, I am posting two different articles. The first, which will follow this intro speaks for itself. The second needs a bit of an introduction and context. It was written by my friend and colleague Dr Deb Thompson, who is a clinical psychologist in private practice and who is also in the process of certifying as a coach through a very intensive and fascinating program called Integral Coaching (based in Ottawa: www.integralcoachingcanada.com). Deb recently completed her first full marathon and sent her friends and supporters the following piece. I asked whether she would be willing to share it with the Compassion Fatigue Solutions Blog as I feel she touched very eloquently on so many issues we all face as helpers: the inner critic, the drive to push and achieve, the competing demands, balancing, self care, insight. See below for Deb's entry.

Today, I would like to share some thoughts on parenting and self care.
Yesterday, I was sitting on the bleachers at my son's hockey game, and was overhearing (yes, I am a shameless people watcher and even more scandalous eavesdropper. You will recall the journalism aspirations from my childhood - or perhaps I would have made a good anthropologist if you could actually make a living being one. Some of my favourite books when I was young was anything written by the ethologist Desmond Morris). Anyhow, I was listening to parents around me talk about their Saturday routine:

Woman in brown turtleneck: "We were at the arena at 7am today for middle child's game, then raced back home to pick up older child and take her to dance lesson, then raced back home again to get youngest child to his basketball practice, then two of them had birthday parties in two different parts of town and we are going out tonight so I'm not sure when I'll have a chance to even get changed!".

To which Man with crew cut (we live in a military area) replied: "I hear you, junior had to be at soccer at 8am AND we had the builders coming to fix our driveway while my older child had to be at his hockey practice. It's crazy isn't it?"

I had two reactions to this (and I hear these stories every week as I sit on the bleachers doing my people watching). My first thought came from the Critic (do you have one? Everyone has one, non?).

Critic said: "tsk tsk, these overcommitted people who enroll their kids in more than one activity, probably feeding them junk food in the car on the way from karate to swimming lessons. When will people learn to scale down? This is insane. When do they have time for themselves, do they even get any physical exercise or is it just always about sitting on your bacon watching your kid play sports. Do they all think their kids are going to the olympics! Tsk tsk..."

Then, suddenly, I was visited by a totally different voice, the Compassionate Voice who said "You know, those crazy years of driving children to hockey and soccer are very brief. Maybe these parents are having a wonderful time taking a few hours out of their day to sit (perhaps mindfully) and relax and watch their kids play games and have a lovely time. Maybe these parents are really enjoying the sense of community of meeting the same parents every week and sharing stories and common experiences. Gosh, maybe some of these parents waited years to have children and went through tons of fertility treatment and maybe even adoption for the joy of watching their kids play hockey.

Compassionate Voice continued, "Look around you, how many parents look harried and stressed out?" (my unempirical unscientific answer would be about 25%) and what about the rest? Well, to be honest the rest of them seem to be having fun! No, really, I looked around on the bleachers and I saw parents talking to one another, getting involved in the management/coaching aspects of the children's sports, taking part in the sports themselves. I also saw parents enjoying their children's youth and energy and having fun watching them play sports. The Dad with crew cut had a huge smile the whole time he was at the game, and he seemed to be having a wonderful time.

What is the take home message here? I guess it's twofold, first, that my inner critic is alive and well and ready to pass judgment on how people manage their time (and pass judgment on my own actions), without taking the extra step to assess the full picture and secondly, that sometimes, Compassionate Voice doesn't get much air time.

If you were able to relate to the story above, whether it be with your kids or with your own extracurricular pursuits, do you know how your Critic and your Compassionate Voice react? I know that I value Critic's input and it has helped me enroll my children in one, count it, one sporting activity at a time. Critic is also helpful in figuring out my self care situation. But sometimes, Compassionate Voice needs to have input as well.

Do you have something going on in your life right now that needs to be filtered through your compassionate voice?